|Top heavy Mel -- what's that rattling sound?
STARTLING NEWS -- MAN ACTUALLY HAS ROCKS IN HIS HEAD!
Via X-rays and other techniques, scientists recently discovered that with actor Mel Gibson the phrase "he has rocks in
his head" has taken on new meaning. It was determined that Gibson really does have rocks in his head! Says Dr. Paul
D. Petrie, "the evidence is unmistakable. I thought I was on the right path when I heard that heavy rattling sound in his
head -- like a head that was completely empty except for large pebbles -- and after my many tests I discovered I was correct.
Mel Gibson is walking around with about two pounds of rocks inside his head. Rocks -- and nothing else!" This came as no suprise
to many people, who had thought the actor had rocks in his head for a long time. "This may not explain his anti-semitism or
his homophobia," said one former fan, "but it may explain how he has deluded himself into thinking he's a great actor and
director, and it definitely explains why he has called stem cell research -- which could literally save millions of lives
-- 'nothing less than human sacrifice.'" The actor failed to respond to inquiries made by the Hollywood Daily Poop.
A spokesperson said, "Sorry, but Mr. Gibson has a head shake, uh, I mean head ache."
|Alien being poses with head and body of poor Mr. Trump
DONALD TRUMP HAIRPIECE TERROR!
YOU JUST WON'T BELIEVE THE TRUTH!!!
The truth is now out. At last the world will know the secret behind Donald Trump's incredible, astonishing, death-and-wind-defying
hairdo. The terrible secret -- revealed now for the first time to Hollywood Daily Poop readers -- is that the brains
behind The Donald's real estate and casino empire is not Donald Trump -- but his hair -- which is actually an alien,
extraterrestrial symbiote-parasite from outer space which has attached itself to the head of a rather dumb earthling with
horrendous clothes sense and absolutely no taste whatsoever. Yes, all of The Donald's business aplomb, taste in fashion, art
and design, everything we know and love about the man is actually the creation and product of the alien thingamajig that sits
proudly and obscenely atop his head. Yes, as incredible as it sounds ...
continued on page 687
|Cybill appears on British TV show
THE SECRET'S OUT! YES IT'S TRUE!
Phyllis Diller and Cybill Shepherd are the SAME person
As hard as it is to believe, aging comedienne Phyllis Diller and beautiful sitcom star Cybill Shepherd
are the same exact person -- for proof, look at the picture above! The two -- or rather, one -- have been living this outrageous,
clever lie for several decades now. "I'm glad the truth is out," says Cybill, "pretending to be Phyllis has been a strain
for me," while for her part Phyllis -- who is, uh, actually, Cybill -- says "I liked being younger as Cybill. But now that
she's started to look more and more like me [again, see above] it's not such a picnic anymore." The two -- er, one -- plan
to appear "together" in a new situation comedy for CBS where both -- rather one -- of them will play dual roles. "It's just
amazing," says their mutual friend and agent, Claude Eberhard, "that " continued on page 1003
|Stern -- still trapped in the sixties
IT'S OFFICIAL: NO ONE ON THE ENTIRE PLANET THINKS HOWARD STERN IS SEXY!
Amazing but true! Howard Stern -- who routinely examines the charms, breasts, and sex appeal
of ladies on his show, who has been chastised by the FCC for his sexual language -- is officially considered the ugliest and
least sexy male upon the planet. In a poll of 500,000 straight women and another 500,000 gay men (it was reasoned that straight
men and lesbians would automatically have no interest in Stern), it was determined that there is absolutely no one on
Earth who would actually like to have sex with the famous shock jock. "He would have to pay me like a zillion dollars,"
said one woman, "and even then I'd have to think it over." One man said, "I have a taste for the bizarre and the outre, but
Howard is too much even for me. If he were literally the last man on earth I'd have to content myself with masturbation."
Another woman opined: "That hair! That homely face! He's even less appealing than Donald Trump and that's saying something!" It
was theorized by the pollsters that perhaps Howard might find sensual success with the alien symbiote that sits atop Donald
Trump's head and seems to find Howard attractive, according to unsubstantiated rumors. According to one ...
continued on page 557