Macabre Movies

THE DESCENT (2006). Written and directed by Neil Marshall. A group of athletic women friends come together a year after a shattering tragedy – one of their number lost her husband and daughter in a terrible accident – and decide to explore a nearby cave for an adventure. Unfortunately, the most experienced spelunker among them, fearing that this particular cave is merely a tourist trap, leads them into a different unexplored cave instead without telling them. This really becomes a problem when a rock slide traps them in the cavern, as not only does no one know where they are, but they have no maps to show them another way out. This claustrophobic nightmare only gets worse when the women slowly realize that there are horrid, carnivorous, humanoid creatures living down in the caverns, and the women have become their latest food supply. Although these slimy rodent men aren't exactly original – they remind one a bit of the cannibalistic Morlocks in H. G. Wells' novel The Time Machine – they are fearsome, fast-moving and shuddery creations nonetheless, and they jump out at the women and the viewer in some very creepy scenes. The acting is generally convincing, and the picture is very well-directed and briskly edited for maximum scares and impact. Wisely, scenes are never over-lit which only increases the dread and claustrophobia. While the idea of women becoming warrior-like after winding up in a kill-or-be-killed situation is not new, this is a highly interesting variation. Although there is probably not as much sub-text as some critics have seen – and the all-female cast [or victim] business is probably not misogynous in intent – the movie does have a more “serious” tone than similar pictures. Atmospheric, chilling, and undeniably poignant. An excellent film.

THE OMEN (2006). Director: John Moore. Screenplay by David Seltzer. This is a scene by scene copy of the original Omen which uses the same script by David Seltzer. A U. S. ambassador in London comes to realize that his son is the anti-Christ who is there to usher in a new era of Hell on Earth and who causes “accidents” -- along with the aid of human and non-human minions – that will help lead him into a life of ultimate power. This would be a completely unnecessary project were it not for the fact that some of the death scenes are handled with a bit more flair than in the original, or feature inventive variations on the original sequences: these include the death of the impaled priest and the highly effective beheading of the photographer. Taken as a fantasy film a la Dracula or The Wolfman, even those of us who recognize all this anti-Christ stuff as hokum can enjoy the film, which generally doesn't have the atmosphere of the first version. Julia Stiles and Liev Schrieber are the rather odd-looking leads, but Schrieber in particular isn't at all bad in the role once played by the more authoritative Gregory Peck. Mia Farrow is okay as the sinister nanny Mrs. Baylock, but not as well-cast as Billie Whitlaw. However, the producers really came up with the perfect Damian Thorne in Seamus Davy Fitzpatrick who can push out his petulant lower lip and look as demonic as he does adorable in a flash. Although the theme music for this version is nice enough, Jerry Goldsmith's eerie themes for the original film are sorely missed. One would have hoped that this new version would not be quite as anti-intellectual as the original, but the producers are simply aiming for scares and shocks, not anything thought-provoking. In neither version are we told why Ambassador Thorne wouldn't have at least tried to get to Damian – spend his formative years teaching him love and hope -- and perhaps show him that he didn't have to embrace evil regardless of his origins, instead of simply attempting to kill a child. The interesting thing about the original Omen trilogy is that after over thirty years – Damian is at least in his thirties in The Final Conflict – the world doesn't seem any more fucked up than it was before his arrival. Hell on Earth? Isn't it already here?

KING KONG (2005). Director: Peter Jackson. Although better by far than the first remake that starred Jessica Lange, this isn't as good as the 1933 original, despite some exciting sequences and outstanding visual effects work. The movie has a slow and tedious opening that borders on the campy approach of the Lange version. The leads are all miscast as well. Jack Black might be fine for a Saturday Night Live parody of the movie, but as a leading man in a serious motion picture he's completely ludicrous and even amateurish. Adrien Brody is a better actor but really adds nothing to the movie. Lead actress Naomi Watts , who plays Ann, is a bit of a lightweight. The movie picks up a bit once our voyagers arrive at Kong's island, although the first appearance of Kong is muffed, much less dramatic than in the original picture. Once the action starts, however, it rarely stops, and some of the sequences are astounding: a harrowing stampede of brontosausi [or apatosauri]; Ann and a Tyrannosaurus Rex swinging past one another on vines as the dinosaur repeatedly attempts to snatch her into its jaws; the nightmarish scenes in the pit where the sailors are gruesomely dispatched by monstrous prehistoric insects. As in the Lange version, more of a rapport is developed between Ann and the Big Ape, which leads to a lot of nonsense that was not in the original. Kong may not have asked to have been shanghaied to New York but it's hard to feel sorry for him when so many innocent people have been killed during his rampage [including not one but three helpless blonds that he tosses aside to their presumed death]. This dopey “animal rights” undertone gives the movie a pretentious and airy ambiance in its final moments. Fay Wray was just glad to get away from the monster; she didn't get all upset when it died! The musical scoring is bland and inept, only reminding one of the masterful work of Max Steiner for the original.

THE SKELETON KEY (2005). Director: Iain Softley. Screenplay by Ehren Kruger. A young woman (Kate Hudson) applies for a position as nurse to a dying man in a Southern mansion and becomes embroiled in a mystery allegedly involving voodoo curses and a black servant couple who were murdered by a mob many years before. Hudson seems to suspect the dying man's wife Violet (Gena Rowlands) of being responsible for his condition, but she never bothers to take a sample of his blood to the police for analysis. The “twist” ending to this may be a surprise but it will not seem especially original to anyone who's seen The Mephisto Waltz and other films with a similar theme. The movie looks good and holds your attention, but the script is superficial and rather silly at times; the characters barely developed. An unrecognizable John Hurt is fine as the mostly mute old man. Gena Rowlands is simply splendid; next to her Kate Hudson seems a tame kitten coming up against a tigress. But neither Hudson nor her character are very appealing in this.

28 DAYS LATER ...(2002), Director: Danny Boyle, Screenplay by Alex Garland. 28 days after some animal rights activists stupidly release infected chimpanzees from a laboratory, the world has been decimated by a plague that within seconds turns infected people into raving maniacs. Influenced by everything from Day of the Triffids to On the Beach to Night of the Living Dead, this starts off well then soon becomes typically “flippant” and eventually turns into a rather standard, if well-executed, action film. There are striking shots of a deserted London in the beginning [but it's odd that we see no bodies] and there's a scary scene inside a tunnel when a rush of rats precedes an attack by infected maniacs. The tension is undercut, however, by such scenes as when the rag tag group of survivors go jauntily shopping in a supermarket as if they hadn't a care in the world. The biggest problem with the movie is that, despite some humanistic touches and attempts at pathos [of a minor kind] the reactions of the characters don't always ring true. For instance, the main character Jim (Cillian Murphy) is forced to murder an infected boy at one point. He has no choice if he is to save himself, and the boy is beyond hope, but when he walks out of the building where he killed him he shows none of the horrified, disgusted, guilty attitude that a person in that situation would feel. This isn't just weak acting; it's insufficient filmmaking. And there are other moments like this, too, making 28 Days Later just another piece of occasionally entertaining, but overlong schlock. This received a lot of good reviews, but it's no classic despite a certain degree of directorial and visual flair. The climax at the army camp seems to go on forever.

ANGEL OF DEATH. Director: Pepe Darquart. Screenplay by Ray Mitchell. In modern-day Seville, Mira Sorvino is a cop who has just been transferred from Madrid. Her new partner (Olivier Martinez) is a rather obnoxious guy who thinks she's a “dyke.” These two are called in to investigate the grisly murders of two gay male twins who were into art and sadism. Before long it becomes apparent that a serial killer in a red cloak and hood is on the loose, and it may all be tied in with family secrets and political events that happened in Spain decades before. The storyline reminds one of a Dario Argento giallo film, but this picture is much too tasteful, the murders are not done with any flair, and the pace is draggy. Darquart betrays little style as a director but the film, made on location, is certainly atmospheric and has some interesting elements. One of the suspects is a bullfighter known as El Quapo, and another is a man who carried out rapes and murders years ago before eventually becoming mayor – but if he isn't dead he'd be too old to commit the crimes. Could he have a son – or many – from the many rapes he perpetrated so many years before? Alida Valli [the same Valli who starred with Gregory Peck in Hitchcock's The Paradine Case] shows up as a woman who lived through the terrible events and may be the mother of the murderer. The screenplay doesn't always jell or make sense, which may be indicative of post-production tampering. Sorvino is a very appealing actress, but Martinez, who was so excellent in The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone remake with Helen Mirren, is pretty much wasted in this. Valli is nearly unrecognizable but her performance is credible. Not all bad, but it cries out for tightness and more energetic treatment.

THE CAVE (2005). Director: Bruce Hunt. Written by Michael Steinberg; Tegan West. In the Carpathian Mountains, a group of men come across an old church on top of an ancient cavern, and are apparently killed by an avalanche. Years later, a new expedition decides to explore this enormous cave, and discover that strange parasites have [very improbably] mutated those long-ago men into weird, carnivorous winged creatures. The leader (Cole Hauser) of this new group has been bitten, and is slowly mutating himself. There is a cave-in and the members of the party have to find an alternate route out of the cavern while trying to avoid not only those big flying monsters but huge eels that swim in the underground river. Sounds exciting, but it's rather dull, despite the busyness and all the hard work that went into the production. There are some decent effects and good sets as well as an occasional striking underwater shot, but the monsters aren't seen very often and don't interact nearly enough with the cast. Even in the climax we never really get a long, clear view at these mutated creatures, who in passing resemble the flying Mayhars of At the Earth's Core and in close-up look like the creatures from Alien. Underwater they seem like swimming pterodactyls. There is a lot of walking and talking and swimming to little purpose. The main problem is that the director just covers the action in a highly uninspired fashion; quick shots come and go leaving the viewer not quite certain of what happened. The acting is competent but the script could have used some work. The booming soundtrack does a lot toward drumming up [often unwarranted] excitement but isn't otherwise memorable. This is one movie that should have premiered on the Sci Fi Channel or Direct to Video. Even monster movie devotees will be disappointed.

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2005). Director: Marcus Nispel. Screenplay by Scott Kosar; based on the original screenplay by Kim Henkel and Tobe Hooper. After two or three sequels and so on, do we need a remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Maybe not, but once you get over that certain dreary feeling of deja vu, it must be said that this is an exciting, well-made picture with technical polish and attractive (ironic considering the subject matter) cinematography; a handsome production job with a lot of creepy atmosphere. The story – a group of young people in a van out for a drive and an adventure meet up with a family of murderous sociopaths – is pretty much the same but there have been some interesting variations. Instead of the weirdo hitchhiker who slices his hand with a knife, the doomed group picks up a young woman who commits suicide in the back seat – then try to find a sheriff who can deal with the corpse. [At one point they want to remove the body and leave it behind and one of the women objects, saying they can't leave the poor girl like trash at the side of the ride. I kept waiting for someone to point out to this compassionate but misguided young lady that driving around with the unfortunate bloodied woman in the back seat would take a terrible psychic toll on all of them.] There's also a little boy named Jedediah who seems to be the only sane and likable member of the crazy family. In this version the climax takes place in a meat-packing plant, which adds a further grotesque ambiance. You may find this a bit tedious for awhile, but once it pulls you in it becomes both arresting and exciting and never lets go. The filmmakers were wise to avoid the scenes in the original where the surviving young lady is tormented by the family, and the old grand pop tries to bash her brains in and so on, all of which smacked more of black comedy than horror. The film is well-directed and very well-acted by the entire cast, especially Jessica Biel as the heroine, Erin. It is much more graphic than the original, which left just about everything to the imagination, but not nearly as repulsive as expected. One darkly memorable touch has “Leatherface” chasing after Erin while wearing the skinned face of her dead boyfriend.

HIDE AND SEEK. (2005). Director: John Polson. Screenplay: Ari Schlossberg. After his wife commits sucide, Robert De Niro takes his young daughter (Dakota Fanning) to a new home in the country where she seems to be beset by figurative or literal demons. She has an imaginary friend named Charlie who's soon up to some dirty tricks – or is he imaginary? The picture holds the attention but doesn't really become gripping or suspenseful until it's nearly over, when the mystery over who and what “Charlie” is and who he'll kill next, begins to give you the willies – and then – the mystery is solved practically the next moment and what results is a prosaic chase. [I won't spoil the film by revealing the revelation; let's just say it's been done before – over and over and over again.] Hide and Seek is well-directed, has a couple of tense moments, and is very well acted by De Niro and Fanning, although the girl's character is perhaps a little too creepy for her to be entirely sympathetic. Amy Irving is written off at the beginning, and Elisabeth (Leaving Las Vegas) Shue has virtually nothing to do as De Niro's friend. Famke Janssen gets a little more screen time as his colleague and former pupil. Okay, but nothing special.

OPEN WATER (2005). Writer/Director: Chris Kentis. A young couple go out with a charter to go scuba diving, but are accidentally left behind when the supervisor doesn't do an accurate head count. Left alone in the middle of nowhere, they must deal with their growing apprehension, feelings of guilt and recrimination, and sharks that keep hovering around and threatening to come too close. Hours go by as they squabble, cry, and panic as the sharks begin to nibble... [Oddly, every time they see a boat in the distance they wave their arms but never cry out despite the fact that sound carries over the water.] It's all well and good to support independent filmmaking, but the overpraising of this utterly mediocre movie by supposedly major critics will have any objective critic scratching his head in confusion. The movie begins like a bad travelogue, and takes quite awhile to become mildly interesting. Supposedly based on a true story, it's certainly a tragic situation, but it's hard to care for two people who seem likable and pleasant but are strictly one-dimensional. [The filmmakers choose not to tell us the legal and other repercussions of this incident.] This might have made an acceptable telefilm, but it is hardly well-written or dramatic enough to cut it as a feature. It doesn't help that the actress (Blanchard Ryan) playing the distaff half of the couple is amateurish; Daniel Travis is better as her boyfriend. There is some nice underwater photography, and the picture is nice to look at, but this is certainly not another Jaws, and it isn't well-made or intense enough to be a strong drama, either. [This is so slipshod and low-key that I had to reverse the DVD just to figure out if a character actually died or not; this important moment is just frittered away.] When the critics praise movies like this and Kill Bill you have to wonder if critical standards of movie reviewing have sunk to a new all-time low. Because the film will make money due to the critic's harping, writer-director Kentis will be seen in Hollywood as some kind of wunderkind, get major contracts, and probably make a whole slew of bad pictures over the next few years. [In my opinion, Kentis should stick to travelogues.] And we wonder why so many movies are lousy these days! William Schoell

THE BOOGEYMAN (2004). Director: Stephen Kay. Written by Eric Kripke, Juliet Snowden, and Stiles White. A young boy who is convinced that the boogeyman is hiding in his closet is comforted by his father, who moments later is sucked into said closet by an unseen monster. Fifteen years later this same boy goes home after his mother's death and has to confront the demon in the closet. Although the premise has possibilities, most of them go unexplored in a film with little internal logic, insufficient characterization, rather bland acting [for the most part], and an offputting directorial style that distances the viewer from the action, constantly reminding him that this is a movie, instead of pulling him in. The movie is short but slow, and the only real excitement comes in the final minutes when the hero finally faces off against the creature, who looks good and is brought vividly to life – but still has much too little to do. By the numbers horror that is derivative and not very scary, although a couple of scenes come close. Sex symbol Lucy Lawless is cast as the hero's mother. Very disappointing.

KILL BILL VOL. ONE (2004). Director: Quentin Tarantino. When her entire wedding party is slaughtered for unknown reasons by members of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad, the bride (Uma Thurman) vows revenge and starts to take the killers out one by one. At first this film is fun, but eventually it becomes rather boring – despite all the mayhem on-screen – because there are no real plot or characters. Even fans of the over-rated Tarantino's equally over-rated Pulp Fiction may be disappointed in this, although gore-geeks and frat boys of all ages will probably have fun with all the dismemberments and bloodletting during the sword fights. The movie opens with a zesty, well-executed cat fight between Thurman and Viveca A. Fox, and there are other lively sequences and some decent acting, but it all becomes pointless, junky, and – worst of all – a bit dull. The animation sequence depicting the early years of Japanese crime boss Lucy Lui is boring despite all the over-the-top gore, as is the climactic scene when Thurman takes on and defeats dozens of swordsmen trying to protect the boss. Although this is based on the character of “The Bride,” it seems just as influenced in a way by episodes of Alias (which Tarantino guest-starred on) and certain comic books such as Daredevil (which introduced Elektra, who is mighty handy with a sword) and The X-Men, which features a lot of “strong” and neurotic female characters. Michael Parks of The Idol turns up as a small-town sheriff. Thurman should ask for a foot double in her next contract – when she tries to wiggle her feet after coming out of a coma she reveals perhaps the ugliest pair of feet in Hollywood! All the “Hollywood” references and occasional cleverness can't disguise an utterly mediocre movie. The film got surprisingly decent reviews, but nobody really raved about it and you can see why. William Schoell

ELEKTRA (2004). Director: Rob Bowman. Elektra (Jennifer Garner) from Daredevil (both the comic book and the movie) stars in her own feature film, which begins in a stylish and arresting fashion but quickly goes downhill from there. Elektra is a contract killer whose latest assignment is to murder a man and his young daughter whom she has recently met. Unable to do the dirty deed, she decides to help them against the assassins of the criminal organization The Hand. These super-powered assassins include Typhoid and Tattoo, who can make the tattoos on his body come to life (like Green Lantern's old foe The Tattooed Man). The girl, Abby, turns out to have powers of her own but is otherwise just an annoyance. The film consists of empty special effects, way too much slow motion, and a lot of running around to little purpose and virtually no entertainment value. Jennifer Garner looks hot in her red outfit but the movie wastes her less obvious talents. Terrence Stamp turns up as her teacher. Some of Christopher Black's music is nice. A major disappointment. Don't expect a sequel to this one. William Schoell

THE GRUDGE (2004). Director: Takashi Shimizu. Written by Stephen Susco. In an attempt to have another smash hit like The Ring, Columbia has taken another Japanese horror film and come out with an American remake – although it still takes place in Japan with some transplanted Americans. Sarah Michelle Geller is the nominal heroine who becomes embroiled in a frightening ghost story when she fills in for a home care provider who's disappeared. She sees spooky visions of a little boy who is central to the mystery. Apparently there was a murder-suicide in the house, and the evil that lives within is reverberating outward to ensnare anyone who comes into its invisible web. A workable if unoriginal idea is given mediocre execution that all but spoils the movie; it also has a much less interesting storyline than The Ring. Although there are a number of creepy moments, they are also rather silly, and the whole movie is quite predictable and, at times, illogical. Prosaically filmed, there are absolutely no surprises to The Grudge. The ghostly little boy is generally too helpless and cute-looking to be very scary. Bill Pullman appears as a man who commits suicide sometime after seeing the child and he isn't bad. Geller, on the other hand, isn't much of an actress. She seems to have little future beyond bad movies like this. William Schoell

AVP: ALIEN VS. PREDATOR (2004). Writer/Director: Paul W. S. Anderson. This is the fifth in the Alien series and the third in the Predator series. But while the predators may emerge triumphant -- or do they? -- most people will buy this DVD because of the Aliens. [Frankly, the two Predator films, while not without their moments, couldn't compare to the Alien movies.] A scientific research team descends a tunnel somehow burnt into the frigid wasteland to discover a pyramid that is centuries old and shows evidence of several different cultures. They also find themselves smack in the middle of a battle between the Predators and the Aliens, who seem evenly matched. The movie explains the relationship between the two alien species and mankind and features some excellent special effects and well-handled action scenes. It is also a very good-looking, well-photographed movie. It isn't especially scary, however, and at times seems more of an action film than a horror flick. There is an attempt at characterization with some appealing actors but they get killed off before we can really bond with them. Although there are a couple of scenes featuring the acid blood of the Aliens, there are times when the little critters get torn apart without that same blood having much of an effect on the people or Predators standing nearby. Lance Henriksen is the only name in the cast, and he's fine, as usual. The lead actress, Samaa Lathan, isn't bad, but she lacks that Sigourney Weaver-type presence [this is not to say that Weaver is a great actress] and doesn't always nail her scenes convincingly. -- William Schoell

CATWOMAN (2004). Director: Pitof [sic].“You're just a little girl playing dress up.” Catwoman was originally introduced decades ago in the pages of the Batman comic book, where she was first known as “the cat” after the cat's head mask she wore. Over the years she's gone through many changes in costume and attitude, and has been both a major villainess as well as an ally of the Caped Crusader. She was eventually given her own comic book. In this film adaptation the word “Batman” is never mentioned, and Catwoman is no longer a stylish cat burglar named Selina Kyle. She has been re-envisioned as a timid artist named Patience Phillips (Halle Berry) who overhears something she shouldn't and is killed by the bad guys. Luckily a cat who personifies the cat god comes along and literally breathes life into Patience; she is reborn as a much stronger woman who is essentially good but plays by her own rules. Tracking down the people who killed her and who ordered the hit (a married couple who run the corporation she works for), Catwoman runs into and romances a likable cop breezily played by Benjamin Bratt. She learns that her bosses are marketing a face cream that will eventually make women addicted to it and which has an extremely toxic effect. Sharon Stone plays the female half of the company chiefs and the climax is a rousing “bitch-fight” between her and Catwoman. While it takes much too long for Berry to finally become Catwoman and for the action to start, once it gets in gear the picture is quite entertaining. The direction is often a little too “rock video” for my taste, but the picture gets points for its striking art direction. The film is well-acted by all the leads, and the fine supporting players include Alex Borstein as Patience's amusing man-crazy friend Sally, and Lambert Wilson as Stone's sinister husband. The DVD features some scenes that were cut. One of them, a sequence of Catwoman being tracked by a killer dog in a junkyard after her re-birth, is excellent and should never have been left on the cutting room floor. -- William Schoell

THE VILLAGE (2004). Director: M. Night Shyamalan. This tedious film should have been entitled Hoaxes, for the massive hoax that alleged thriller director Shyamalan keeps playing on his audiences. The Sixth Sense was a fairly credible, if derivative, horror film, and Unbreakable, despite its obvious flaws, was at least unusual. Signs was a big shaggy dog story with some tense moments and a really dumb ending. But The Village takes an interesting premise and gets too clever – or rather not clever enough – for its own good. Never has Shyamalan appeared more over-rated than with this picture. SPOILER ALERT: We're led to believe that this is a period film and that the action takes place in an early American village. The people in the village are afraid to ever leave because they must walk through a wooded area where monsters (”those we don't speak of”) supposedly dwell. Halfway through the film we learn that the monsters were sort of cooked up just to keep people from leaving. At the end of the film – although to most viewers this will come as no surprise – we learn that the story actually takes place in the 21^st century (big whoop – hasn't Shyamalan ever heard of the Amish, for instance?) Apparently a group of people who lost loved ones to big city crime were so disheartened that they decided to “drop out” and go back into the “past” and a simpler era. [The fact that there is not a single Black, Hispanic, or Asian person in the village makes us wonder if this is a satire on white flight or merely inherently racist?] At the end there's some dialogue which tells us that the government prevents planes from flying overhead – but why? None of the original “settlers” seem that rich or influential. If some people want to drop out, fine, but why would the government aid or give a damn about them? Even more peculiar is the fact that the character played by William Hurt lets his – get this – blind daughter go off into the woods to get medicine, never giving the poor girl even a hint of what she's going to find when she gets to the other side. The one person chosen to go through the woods is blind? Supposedly compassionate, Hurt's character must be the worst father in the world. There are some eerie, well-directed, if derivative, scenes in the movie, and many others that are simply awkward. Some of the acting is quite stilted, but heroine Bryce Dallas Howard (the blind Ivy) makes a good impression. She and Joaquin Phoenix have a splendid scene wherein they confess their mutual love on a porch. William Hurt has one big moment succumbing to passion and anger in which he is quite good, but otherwise his acting is unimpressive. Sigourney Weaver is miscast but she, too, has her moments. Adrian Brody is excellent as the mentally deficient Noah. A lot of people found this film to be charming and romantic – it does play like a fairy tale – but there just isn't that much to it. Shyamalan had better come up with something better than bad feature-length Twilight Zone episodes if he wants to keep getting financing from the studios. Even if he had simply made a real period piece with settlers fighting off “those we don't speak of,” it would have made a better film than this. The movie is being hyped as being “like the best of Hitchcock.” Don't you believe it! -- William Schoell

TWISTED. 2004. Director: Philip Kaufman. Ashley Judd plays a homicide detective who is understandably freaked when a series of men with whom she had intimate relations turn up brutally murdered. A series of blackouts makes her wonder if she has a subconscious dark side that is committing terrible deeds in the night. Andy Garcia is her new partner, and Samuel L. Jackson is a superior who was a good friend of her dead parents (Ashley's father went on a killing spree whose victims included her mother) and has been her mentor ever since. Twisted holds the attention but it's a little too gimmicky for its own good. Ashley Judd – an actress better suited for light romantic fare such as Someone Like You – wouldn't have been my choice for the role, but she isn't as bad as you might expect. Garcia seems largely befuddled, and Jackson plays with assurance – but don't expect any Oscar nominations for any of the three. Kaufman's direction is professional and uninspired. An okay time waster but nothing very memorable. -- William Schoell

VAN HELSING (2004). Director/writer: Stephen Sommers. The church employs an amnesiac named Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) to hunt down and kill all spirits and monsters of darkness, and after defeating an inexplicably giant-sized Mr. Hyde, he is assigned to destroy Dracula and his sexy brides. Helping him with his task is a Transylvanian lovely (Kate Beckinsale, in very contemporary bustier), and a geeky friar. Although this film was released by Universal, it plays much more like a parody of Hammer Horror Films of the sixties and seventies than of the Universal monster flicks of the forties. Unfortunately the campy approach – as it so often does – means that it's impossible to really care about what happens to the one-dimensional characters, and the film falls flat on its feet. [True, James Whale's “classic” Bride of Frankenstein was itself a parody of Frankenstein, but at least it recreated a period atmosphere; Van Helsing, like Xena and Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, has a very 21^st century approach.] The movie's main strength is some striking scenic design, some very effective action scenes, and first-rate special effects, which include winged vampire-women who fly around a town square picking up struggling victims [these vampires are incredibly strong it seems]. There are some interesting concepts in the movie – Dracula wants to use the life energy inside the Frankenstein monster's body to resuscitate thousands of his vampire bat-like children (remember those brides?) -- but after awhile it simply gets too silly and busy for its own good. Jackman and Beckinsale manage to hold on to their dignity, but Richard Roxburgh's over-the-top and perfectly dreadful performance makes him the all-time worst Dracula of the cinema. This is House of Dracula for the “frat boy” generation. If you really love these old movies, forget about this and watch the Universal –or Hammer – films on DVD again. -- William Schoell

BELOW. Director: David Twohy. Mildly strange occurrences on a submarine during World War 2 lead some of the more suggestible members of the crew to believe that the sub is haunted. It turns out that they're right, but the audience may find it hard to believe as most of the film seems to be over before director Twohy adds some genuine spookiness to the atmosphere. [There is one – and only one -- great scene in the movie. A crew member looks into a mirror and turns this way and that, but his reflection is always half a second or so out of sync. Later on he turns around, turning his back on his reflection, but his reflection remains facing forward.] It turns out that a terrible mistake has been made by some of the officers, who have murdered their captain as part of a cover up. This picture could have been a masterpiece – the script, effects, and (most of the) acting are creditable – but Twohy's direction is so indifferent and poor that he virtually robs every important sequence of its potential dramatic power. Bruce Greenwood offers a fairly one-dimensional portrait of the murderous Brice, but Cary Elwes-lookalike Matt Davis is better as an ensign who slowly discovers the details of his heinous deeds. Olivia Williams makes little impression as a nurse off a Red Cross vessel that was mistakenly bombed. -- William Schoell

STARSHIP TROOPERS 2: Hero of the Federation. Director: Phil Tippett. Screenplay by Ed Neumeier. Tristar DVD. “No wonder we're losin' this war,” says a tough female officer (the aptly-named Brenda Strong), “everyone's fuckin' instead of fightin'!” Well – not quite, although there are a couple of sexy scenes in this fairly unnecessary but somewhat entertaining direct-to-video sequel to Starship Troopers. The co-ed troops have taken the battle down to one of the insect planets where they are besieged by a humongous battalion of scorpion-like big bugs (the other bugs from the first film are not seen in the sequel). Most of the story takes place in an abandoned bunker where the troops rest and try to hold off the enemy. Unfortunately, smaller bugs have crawled through the mouths of some soldiers, infesting them and taking over their minds, making them quite literally “the enemy within.”The inauspicious opening looks like outtakes from the first movie, but the pace soon improves and the story holds the attention in a limited way. Ed Neumeier's screenplay recycles ideas from Mimic, The Hidden, Alien (as most modern horror/sci-fi movies do) and other films, but doesn't explore the psychological consequences of discovering that a trusted comrade or lover or friend is actually a “bug” in disguise. With the exception of a couple of framing sequences, the narrative is more “traditional” than in the first film, and most of the “satire” -- if that's what it was – has been dropped. Richard Burgi is stalwart as the hyper-macho former soldier who is released from captivity to aid in the fight against the bugs. It's a pleasure to see veteran actor Ed Lauter as General Shepherd, who succumbs to the nasty internal bugs and becomes one of the enemy. In fact, virtually all of the actors in this film play with absolute conviction and veracity, which makes you wish they had been cast in a much better movie. Although there are plenty of gruesome and slimy, nauseating sequences, this is not quite as disturbingly gory as the original. The special effects are quite good, which is no surprise as director Phil Tippett is also an FX expert. But everything, including those FX and gore scenes, look like moments you've seen many, many times before. -- William Schoell

TAKING LIVES (2004). Director: D. J. Caruso. Angelina Jolie is an FBI profiler brought in to help track down a serial killer who repeatedly takes the lives – figuratively and literally – of a succession of victims whose identities he assumes until the next poor fellow comes along. Ethan Hawke is the witness to the latest horrific homicide. When Jolie finds herself drawn to Hawke, resulting in an intense if uncomfortable-looking sex scene, there at least seem to be consequences to her actions. Taking Lives holds the attention until it falls apart in the final quarter and becomes increasingly predictable and ridiculous. D. J. Caruso helms the film with professional vigor, but a Hitchcock he ain't. Hawke, Kiefer Sutherland (in a brief turn), Gena Rowlands (wasted as the mother of the killer), and others in the cast acquit themselves nicely for the most part, but Jolie, acting with her lips, wears one expression and one expression only throughout the entire film. (You have to see her blank – as opposed to numb -- reaction to a beheading in an elevator to believe it. Otherwise this grisly scene is well-handled.) Cobbled together from elements of many different thrillers, Taking Lives generally looks good but probably worked a lot better as a novel; the film version is a major disappointment. Philip Glass' score is hackneyed and entirely forgettable.

HELLBOY. Director: Guillermo del Toro. Although based on a comic book of the same name, Hellboy seems comprised of elements from Marvel's X-Men and DC Comics' Doom Patrol, freakish outsiders fighting their inner demons and loneliness as well as the bad guys, or in this case, monsters. Hellboy is an actual demon who arrived on our Earth during World War Two during a demonic invocation by a Nazi. Said Nazi – an otherwise colorless arch-villain despite his bizarre appearance and abilities -- has managed to survive until the present day, and Hellboy ages so slowly that he is only in his “twenties.” The U.S. Government uses Hellboy to help them fight off attacks by awesome supernatural monsters. Ron Perlman's excellent performance as the tough-on-the-outside/sensitive-on-the-inside title character is the glue that holds the uneven film – cobbled together from over-familiar elements – together. Many of the basic concepts in the movie are derived from the work of H. P. Lovecraft. The monsters are fairly well brought to life by computer, which sometimes gives them the appearance of video game creations. The picture's gruesomeness is often at odds with its generally “light” tone. Despite some exciting and clever scenes – Hellboy resuscitating a talkative Russian corpse named Ivan in order to get some info is an “amusing” touch – Hellboy never quite cuts it as a major action film. It certainly has its moments, but a must-see it isn't.